Possessions, Materalistic, Money or Faith,Compassion being a true Christian
It has been awhile since I last made a post here on my blog. Everyday I awaken I find new challenges to face. Most are never easy and without my faith and trust in God I would NEVER be able to resolve the daily challenges. When I got to Georgia, my Mom and I would eat together in her room just before she went into the nursing home. We talked about God/Jesus often and I told her, “Mom, this it the next chapter in both our lives. Nether of us “want” this but it is God’s will for us to move on to the next step in our lives. It is God’s will and we will accept it without question.” Mom agreed with me and we were fortunate for at times we would be surrounded by Christians who prayed with us and I received a call from my pastor in Fort Pierce where we prayed at a time I needed it most.
With Mom having to leave her apartment and go to a nursing home, with three in a room……that tore me to pieces emotionally minute by minute. Mom kept telling me, “Son I’m ok, it will all be alright.” I’ve learned alot from this. Possessions, materialist things and sentimental objects are only for our physical comfort but it is not something you can take with you when you go into a nursing home, a room to stay in with family if you become gravely ill or when we die (yes we will all die one day, it is the facts of life)…..these are NOT things you can take with you. Now is the time to look around you…..do you have things from folks who have passed on (let it go, you have them in your heart and soul), do you have cards loved ones and friends sent you (throw them out, you have THEM also in your heart and soul), items you keep telling yourself you can use one day (if you don’t need it now, give it to someone who does, don’t hoard).
We are a wasteful and materialistic society. We wanted to sell most of Mom’s things to put into a special fund for her needs but instead, we gave it all away. It often brought a smile to Mom’s face and joy to her heart to know, even the smallest things she had, brought comfort and a smile to others. This is the same for me. If you can “help” give to someone, whether it is by action with food or even possessions you are saving, thinking you will one day use them, think again by giving and bringing comfort and relieving hunger for others. If you have elders, family members or sick friends in a nursing home……call them or even better yet go see them often and let them know they are not forgotten.
You don’t have to stay long, just give them a kiss on the forhead, a pat on the shoulder or maybe even a Sunflower to cheer their day. Too many of us think about ourselves or say, “I have a family to care for, I don’t have the time.” “My job keeps me busy.” or you don’t give but “sell” so you can make a bit of “money”. Selflessness in the long run will catch up to those who have lost the real meaning of life and faith. One day you will may just face being in a nursing home or alone. Be grateful, compassionate, giving, forgiving and don’t let materialistic (objects, money, etc), possessions be your life, it is not worth it…….you have a gift and to know that gift…..just look at the people around you and those who are hurting.
Now I will get off that subject and tell you a bit of what has been going on in the “chapter” of my life these past few weeks. This is a post I just made on a forum to a lady for polio survivors. For those of you who are reading this I just want you to know I don’t always answer replies but just know you are in my thoughts and I appreciate them. Wishing you the best New Year ever!
“My physical health continues to decline. I have lost so much muscle tone my legs no longer fit snuggly to my leg braces and my shoes are becoming loose and I’m constantly having to retie them. My weight loss has been about 30 pounds in the last several months and I’m still wobbly and without the crutch(s) I could very easily fall…..which I am going to try to prevent at all costs. I have taken precautions, at Dr. Bruno’s suggestion, and these have helped tremendously. Before this deterioration I was able to bend (pull weeds, pick stuff up off the floor) but now the muscle weakness in my backside will (I relied on these muscles to lift my legs) become too weak after only a minute or two. I have found the pain, spasms and twitches go away over time but it appears that is the beginning of the severe weakness and loss of muscles. I don’t know that for sure but it is what seems to be happening with me.
At work I am using a wheelchair at Dr. Bruno’s suggestion, actually he wants me to use one at home but I just can’t find the will power to do that yet. My psychiatrist wrote me a prescription to work from 7am to 4pm instead of the 8 to 5. This has helped but by noon I am wiped out! I do my best to conserve my energy and not strain my muscles but when you live alone that can sometimes be almost impossible…..so I adapt and try to compensate in some way. Just last week I returned from North Georgia helping my Mom (amazing women, she helped me get through the first bout of polio) get settled in a nursing home (at her request) and did all I could to clear out her apartment. I did my best to help pack most things but fortunately my Mom had an extra wheelchair which I used often. It broke my heart as she told me who got what of her possessions. There was a great deal of disharmony in the family and most felt it was my decision to put her in the home. I would never have done that but did tell her a few weeks ago, “Mom you need 24/7 care, I’m worried about you and eventually a nursing home is the only way we can go.” A week later she called me, “Son I have no strength in my legs to get out of the wheelchair. My body is worn out and I need to go into the nursing home.” I left right away. Mom is very special to me. She is a partial-paraplegic from breaking her neck causing a spinal cord injury. She was in an auto accident in her late 50s and she is now almost 81.
My drive to Northeast Georgia and back home was difficult on my body. I had to pull off the road often because the mental fatigue would slam into me without warning. Physically I did pretty well since I use a hand-control for braking and my right foot is strong enough for acceleration but thank God for cruise control. I took many rest stops as the mental fatigue worsened. The emotional and mental fatigue was sometimes overwhelming. I would think, “Is this what will happen to me if I don’t quit work now and my health keeps going down?” “Will I have to be put in a nursing home at an early age because I did not heed the warnings?” Other than Dr. Bruno I can find no specialist or MD’s who can understand what I am feeling and going through and would be willing to complete the paperwork needed for LTD and SSD.
Even my co-workers seem to treat me like the ever-ready battery like I can keep working until I’m too weak to keep going. I just can’t let this happen as I want to hold to my independence for as long as I can. I had to leave work on December 11, 2011 for my Mom and lost a week of work but fortunately our Winter Break began on the 19th and I do not have to return until January 3, 2012. Financially I can’t afford to not to work until I can get a fixed income to start. I am tired, very tired and seem to keep running into block walls with this new battle we are all fighting with polio. My depression is starting to worsen. My problem is trying to resolve/understand two area’s of decline, the effects from the polio and the mental/emotional fatigue. I can’t allow myself to give up, I just can’t. I wish you the very best for 2012. Lets hope and pray Janet that it will be a good one not only for us but our fellow polio survivors and those we love. I can usually get on the computer in the morning when I am rested but in the afternoons it is almost impossible for me to type and make sense. I am reading Dr. Bruno’s book, “The Polio Paradox” and I wish it was mandatory for all health care workers.
By the way, my sleep test came back but the doctors who ordered it never got back to me. I had a copy of the report faxed to Dr. Bruno and it appears I have no breathing problems (sleep apnea) but I am having nearly 207 muscle twitches per hour! This is likely what had been waking me every hour on the hour before I started taking Xanax. I can now sleep, most nights, without waking up. All this worries me, I have paid over $5000 in co-pays and gotten no where. Without Dr. Bruno I would be lost! Sincerely and best wishes for the upcoming new year.
Social Security Disability Denial – Polio, Anxiety, Depression = Acceptance of Denial!
The phone rang and awaken me a few hours ago. It was Social Security. It appears the only way you can be eligible for SS Disability is you have to be out of work for 12 months or longer. These past few months have been tough both physically & mental. I don’t know, I guess when I applied, for me it is like preparing before the storm hits. 31 plus years is quickly taking its toll but maybe it is like my Psychiatrist says, “James work maybe best for you.” One thing for sure, I will NEVER allow myself to loose my integrity and respect for myself and people.
The polio has made the challenge of getting through the days even harder, the mental health issue comes and goes where I will take two steps forward and then one or two backwards. I KNEW I would be denied but I went through this aggravation anyway. As I sat and talk to the lady from Social Security she said, “Actually I am gathering information to send you a standard letter of denial.” I said, “Are you telling me that I have to have zero income coming in and loose every thing I have worked 31 years for before you will even consider to let me collect my SS Disability?” After that question I went into a full fledged anxiety attack! Those things are not nice and I am still sitting here hoping the Xanax will take it away. Believe me those anxiety attacks are not pretty…..my hands began to jerk, I felt calm but at the same time anger, I felt like I wanted to run but of course my legs won’t allow that. I finally told her, “Ma’am I am deeply sorry I wasted both our times and I am having an anxiety attack where I am forced to hang up this phone. I am very sorry to be rude like this.” So anyway, here I am having taken .10 mg of Xanax over the .05 mg. (note: just made correction on that dosage, man I wouldn’t do well as a doctor or nurse! That is one scary thought!) Boy I hope that is an ok thing to do but I felt like I was falling apart.
The day will get better, I have to remember, I have folks who care about me, I have a job to go to on Monday, I have a roof over my head, a computer with internet (now that is one luxury I am thankful for cause it keeps me in touch with family and friends), I have food in the kitchen, I can walk, I can use my arms, I can “think”, I have a car I can drive whenever I want……awwww see there, I really am blessed and things happen for a reason. All will be well, I’m just having one of those “Wimp moments.” lol Gotta fall back on that determination and positive attitude that is always just underneath By the way, I haven’t reread this message so I hope it makes sense.
Have a good Saturday all….I’m going to take JD (my mower out) and cut the grass, that is always relaxing. Ummmm, after taking that Xanax would that be considered, “Driving while intoxicated?”
Respectfully Yours,
Bubba
My Favorite YouTube Song…..I hope it lifts your spirit just as much as it does mine! Y’all have a good day…..Bubba
August 27th, 2011 updated post on WordPress. I was going to type a post regarding my continued recovery from depression and anxiety but for some reason, possibly the way I'm learning how people feel so badly about themselves when they have a relapse from an addiction. Whether it is tobacco abuse, drug abuse, alhohol and a number of other addiction. I can't stress enough how important it is you be, "To Thine Own Self True!"
A Handwritten Letter of Sincerity and Truth from the Heart
Please forgive me for not placing my latest blog post here but I have to be honest when I say it is often difficult to post here on WR Blog. The features are a bit tempermental so I hope it is ok with WR for me to refere you over to my WordPress Blog for now. Eventually I'm hoping WR will improve their Blog features.
Most of my blog has been on depression and anxiety but just recently I had a relapse and began smoking cigarettes again. One of might greatest causes for a number of years has been to bring awareness to tobacco abuse.
On the second day of my relapse I received a handwritten letter (do you know just how rare that is now a days?) from someone who was on my quit smoking achievers list. This letter has helped me tremendous and has renewed my hope in others. I hope you will visit my blog and most of all I hope it gives you a bit of hope and encouragement also..........
These past few days are in a kind of blur for me. I recall texting my nephew and nieces and God only knows how nuts my texts must have sounded. I finally got the nerve up to ask my niece to ask my brother-in-law if he would come back down and help me out. Deep down I knew I needed him to help me get through this. He pretty much said no, he has more important things to do. I have to admit, it hurt. The way I see it if you care about someone you will put everything else aside and get to them. I have convinced myself, that is ok, I’ll get through this alone.
Yesterday I woke up in total dispair. I have no appetite but fortunately when I do eat the food tastes great and I still love my ice cream! Local friends, other than my neighbor Ian, never come around me. He is a good kid and will text me almost daily and has brought me over a dinner plate a couple of times. I’m not sure what I would have done without him. My cousin in Georgia has called me and emails me almost daily, her support means alot to me and my sis Wanda calles daily along with my texts from my niece Cindy and my name sake and pride, my nephew Edward. My niece Jen has offered to come down by bus to spend a couple of weeks with me but I would NEVER want to put her out like that. I’m not sure I would be sitting here if not for all the caring family I have.
Yesterday morning I curled up in bed and cried like a baby….just doesn’t seem right for a man to do that. We are suppose to be a lot stronger than that! I tried to eat but couldn’t. Around 1 PM I text my niece and told here, “The key to all this is to be able to turn off all your feelings, your emotions, worries. If you can turn those off, that would be the greatest thing ever.” I just wanted the hurt to stop. I didn’t want to care about people any more. Hey, no matter how much I want it I can’t change the world by getting rid of all the hurts and worries for everyone. I just want to feel “nothing”.
When I got to the doctor’s office I looked the receptionist right in the eye and laughed with her and paid my bill. I sat, sling on left arm, wallet held in both hands along with my car keys and then……I shut down, literally and felt calmness as I stared at the floor or my lap. I felt it best not to look at anyone in their face, I didn’t want to see the various emotions on their faces….I didn’t want to see anything about them and as I type this….I still don’t. I sat in that chair rocking back and forth with my hands twitching and jerking. I kept picturing old men I’d seen in old movies of folks in insane asylum and it broke my heart and scared me that that might be me someday.
Anyway, after about a half hour or so the doctor came out of his office and called out my name. I could not look up into his face, I stared at the floor and finally got to his office, sat looking at the floor rocking back and forth. I told him with a breaking voice, “PLEASE make this hurt stop….I don’t want to feel anymore. These meds are making me worse and I can’t function. PLEASE don’t Backer Act me or put me in the hospital.” He became very quiet and I could not look at him. He finally said, “I would never Baker Act you. We are going to get you better, I promise.” Well I began to cry and I told him I have been seeimg them for months and they have done nothing for me, I am only getting worse! I could hear the hurt in his voice as he said, ” We are trying all we can.” That tore at me and I assured him I trusted him and to forgive me as “I’m not a well man right now.” He began asking me questions as I rocked in my chair, my hands twitched, shook and jerked, I sagged staring at the floor and mumbled my answers of “yes sir” or “no sir”. You see it is my very nature to treat everyone in an equal, friendly, respectful and informal way but most of all with direct eye contact. You can tell so much by a person from looking in their eyes and listening careful to the tone of their voices. Do the voice tone match their eyes? Anyway, that is just me.
Dr. B. finally said, “James look at this list. Can you read it? I want you to cut down on the Zoloft and Welbutrin and then in 7 days stop taking it. Do you live alone?” When I said yes he became somewhat concerned but I assured him I would get by and I would NEVER hurt myself….besides, suicide solves nothing and I would no longer even consider that. I begged him not to make me go back to work on the 26th as just the thought tears me apart on the inside. He wants me to stop in and see him right after the visit in Orlando with my surgeon. He is going to place me on a new med. All I remember is it starts with an “S” and he said he wasn’t sure my insurance would cover it but he was ging to do his best to get them too. In the mean time he gave me 20 tabs of Xanex .05 mg that he said should take the edge off my anxiety. As I was leaving his office he stood very close to me, “Are you going to be ok to drive.” I still could not look up but I could hear the compassion in his voice and I could only say, “I won’t disappoint you.”
Last night I took an Xanex and slept a couple of hours. I felt great when I woke up and actually drove to the jetties looking out over the inlet, hearing the waves hitting the rocks, couples walking by holding hands, children laughing and playing. It was sounds of life and I thank God for giving me that bit of time.
I got up this morning once again feeling full of despair. My niece tell me the Xanax is only a temporary med. I took another and felt like a drunk man and very wobbly on my feet but the tightness is my stomach was gone. You can’t imagine what a relief that is.
So anyway folks, I’m getting by. I have absolutely no suicidal thoughts and am going to give all my energy to getting well. I am considering returning to smoking again. This time it will be a choice and not out of an urge. I haven’t because I know if I do chose to smoke again, there may be no turning back. Please keep me in you thoughts and prayers.
Invite
By the way, I haven’t reread this message so I hope it makes sense.