Recently I moved into a small town in western North Carolina. I have had this Dream for many years. I had visions of lush green mountains reaching into the blue skies. I could smell clean fresh mountain air and feel the crisp cool morning breeze. I would visualize walking down Main Street visiting small family businesses and quaint shops of handcrafted items. I was yearning for the long awaited southern hospitality and slower pace of daily living. I have finally fulfilled a long lasting dream. My husband, son and I left behind a bustling city of bumper to bumper traffic and smells of gasoline emissions and pollution. The only green areas left were the yards and parks saved from the encroaching wave of cement. Every day we had the same glare of closely built cement buildings, steel and glass. Before leaving the house, the day began with a private pep-talk. People in our city were always in a hurried pace trying to get a head start on the day. The daily pace of life was hectic with the, "me first” attitude. The congestion of traffic was the determining factor of getting to a place on time. This left a great deal of people frustrated and angry. I started my day with the "pep-talk." This was to help me pre-pare for the social interactions of people I would meet during the day. I would get ready by putting on my protective silicon shield for the awaited verbal assaults. Undefeated emotionally I would then bring out the "positive attitude" reinforcement armor. I knew that at some point in the day I would meet one person if not more that would leave me wondering where the University of "How to be the King or Queen of RUDE" is located. This is what I thought I would leave behind when I followed my dream to move to a small quiet town in the mountains. So what does all this have to do with Etiquette Lost / Etiquette Found?

This is a topic about the general agreement of the majority of people on the rules of social behavior or conduct past and present. We look into the history of etiquette, manners and social behavior and compare it to our lives today. Have we improved or have we lost the rules of accepted social conduct. How do we learn the rules and how do we and others benefit? Is this an important subject for our children? Do we need Etiquette?

"Etiquette tells a person which fork to use when eating. Manners tells a person what to do when their neighbor doesn't use the correct fork"

Manners involve a wide range of social interactions within cultural norms. Etiquette and manners, like mythology, have buried histories especially when they seem to have little obvious purpose. The "respect shown to others" may seem to be equally buried for many who face situations where rude behavior is accepted. What are some of the rude behaviors that are socially accepted and are normalized by the masses of media.

Manners are the standards of conduct which show the community that you are proper, kind, respectful and refined. They are like rules in that they codify or set a standard for human behavior, but they are unlike laws in that there is no formal system for punishing transgressions, other than social disapproval.  Manners are what people considered a normal measure of conduct. What is considered "mannerly" is highly susceptible to change with time, geographical location, social stratum, occasion, and other factors. The question, does manners matter, is evidenced by the fact that a large number of books have been written on the subject. Most of our popular publications frequently deal with questions of mannerly behavior.  There have been schools that have existed for the sole purpose of teaching manners. A term frequently used for a woman who follows proper manners and is of good social standing is lady; the term used as a male counterpart is Gentleman.

When I was a small girl my Grandmother was the most influential person in my life. Let’s say the most "positive" influential person in my life. She loved Amy Vanderbilt and Emily Post and in her world these two women were the queens of proper conduct and etiquette. In those days there were three respected and followed teachers of manners. Emily Post, “ Miss Manners “ (Judith Martin’s pseudonym), and Amy Vanderbilt, who wrote the book,  Everyday Etiquette.  Amy Vanderbilt was America's foremost authority on good manners in the middle decades of the 20th century. She worked in the advertising and magazine industries, and rose to become president of a major public relations firm, a rare accomplishment for a woman in the 1940s. Known for her delightful dinner parties, she was asked by a client to compile an etiquette guide that could appeal to a younger audience other than the books of the reigning queen of Etiquette, Emily Post.
. She and the book were widely considered "the resource" at the time for learning how polite people are supposed to behave. Amy continued to publish many etiquette books and articles until her death in 1974. But good manners didn't go out of style, just because of Amy's passing. Along came Letitia Baldrige to pick up where she Amy left off. Letitia Baldrige has made a career out of teaching manners, in both professional and social settings.

  My grandmother was raised in western North Carolina. She shared many memories of her life and I especially liked the stories of how she and her six siblings were taught to behave. She would recount the rules and detailed instruction of their lessons dealing with mannerly behavior. I remember the first time she introduced me to proper table etiquette. I was five years old and she was a young forty nine. She owned a restaurant at the beach in Wilmington N.C. We both wore pretty dresses and new shoes. I remember feeling so pretty and she looked so beautiful. My dress was yellow, my favorite color and it was bought especially for this night. Grandmother wore a navy blue dress with really big sky blue rhinestone earrings that matched her blue eyes. This was our special night. This is the night I will always remember. My Grandmother started this night with my education on the proper conduct of a young lady while dining. I learned the proper way to sit, how to hold a fork, how to speak to the restaurant staff and a lot about “see-food.” The funny thing was she owned a seafood restaurant, so that really stuck with me.

 Today, I like to think that most people want to exhibit good manners  even in these modern times where the "hurry up" attitude seems to take precedence over the "take time to do it right" attitude. Yet, we all know that manners are sometimes neglected, and we've all seen cases where people are downright rude to others. We've also seen people act in ways that while not necessarily rude to others, still constitute bad manners, and show a lack of regard for the "right thing to do". I truly feel etiquette and manners should start at a very young age. Little girls are as my grandmother said, Pretty is as Pretty does.