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Sat, May 28th - 12:42PM

Murphy's Laws Revisited
All of us have read many of Murphy's laws-and Murphy was an optimist. However, I will take a chance that you may not have read these laws of Murphy. Try them on for size:

-Trust everybody...then cut the cards
-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-Success always occurs in private and failure in full view
-He who hesitates is probably right.
-One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
-A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
-The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
-The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
-When there are sufficient funds in the checking account,checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
-The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
-If it says "One size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
-You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
-The severity of the itch is in direct proportion to your reach.
-Interchangeable parts aren't.
-A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

So, there you have it- Murphy strikes again with his laws of life-which are right on target. Funny thing about it is we could all write our own Murphy's laws. For example, My set of laws would be entitled, "Jerry's Laws." My first law would be "Please refer to Murphy's Laws." So much easier than having to rack my brain for laws. Okay, here is one of Jerry's law from my life experience: "Never get between a pregnant woman and a refrigerator, especially if there is pickles or ice cream in the fridge." I bet you know all about this one all of you married men with a pregnant wife. Another law of mine is "If your wife asks you if she looks fat, you better lie,lie, lie, if you value your life and marriage."

Okay, there you have it for today. I hope you come away with new insights into why it is important to memorize "Murphy's Laws" and "Jerry's Laws" if you don't want to turn into a raving lunatic. I rest my case.

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Sun, May 22nd - 3:01PM

Bet You Thought I Was Kidnapped by Space Aliens!
No way! Here I am a year later, fired up and ready to take a stab at humor again. No, I wasn't kidnapped by pirates, or space aliens or my ex-mother-in-law. Who by the way, still loves me. Okay, so I stretched the truth a little- well maybe a lot. Alright- so she hates my guts- so what! She can't hurt me now- I'm her ex-son-in-law. Naner naner ex-mom-in-law.

So much for my introduction a year later. So are you ready for some more sophisticated humor? I will promise to do my best. Although, right now, I don't feel very funny. Hey, it's Sunday afternoon and that means my time is short before I have to go back to work Monday. You know the feeling, don't you? Oh sure, you just can't wait till Monday. That's because it's your birthday and you have the day off- ha ha - I knew that.

Anyway, you know what T.G.I.F means- right? Bet you don't know what S.H.I.T means. Oh look at you-snickering there because you think I just said a bad word. No way! I'm too sophisticated for that. Guessed Yet what it means? NO? Okay, it means "Sure Happy it's Thursday." Ha- pretty cool huh? You just have to put the periods after it to keep from cussing. Hey, it's not my fault if you get in trouble swearing at work.

Anyway, enough of this nonsense for today. I will be back tomorrow with more mirth and levity than you can stand. Beware! I am a sophisticated humorist. Whatever that means.

In the meantime my friends- don't give up on me just because I disappeared for a year - what kind of loyal fan are you anyway- the best waiting every day for a year with baited breath to read the next blog of my kind of humor.
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Fri, Apr 4th - 4:55PM

April is Poetry Month!
It has been awhile since I have written a humorous blog, so I thought this week, I will offer a poem I wrote when I was 14 which by the way won 10th place in the State of Texas Poetry Contest in 1952- which some of you younger readers might think I was born prior to the Civil War. Naww! Anyway, here is my poem for what it's worth.

The Desert's Edge

The hushed, mysterious land lies before me, majestic,
yet forbidding to all who would trespass its silent realm.

The falling sun fills the endless horizon with a dazzling brilliance,
exploding the lifeless sand into a myriad of dancing diamonds,
until the last rays of the golden orb are covered by the creeping shadows of night.

The night song of the lonely wind begins to play eerie melodies across the darkened land,
caressing the willowy sage and soft sand with its cool and melodious fingers,
etching matchless patterns on the shifting sand.

The sweet lilting of the night birds and strumming crickets form a concert
of melodies that tranquilizes the soul, and brings joy to the unseen inhabitants
of this vast and stretching land.

And as I observe this invisible world, beholding the spectacular panorama
of sights and sounds,
I am filled with awe and peace that only can be found 
at – the desert’s edge.

Okay, next blog, back to the humor oozing from my brain.


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Sun, Mar 16th - 2:29PM

I Lost My Memory - Has Anyone Found it?
        Have you ever noticed that as you begin to age, your memory, once very reliable, begins to peter out on you? It's true. Once you achieve the grand old age of thirty plus, it begins to happen. You walk into a room to do something, but when you are in the room, you can't remember for the life of you what you went in there for. Don't lie - you know it's happened to you.  Or you and your wife or girlfriend will go to a party,  and you are about to introduce her to  your friends, and then, ZAP! You can't remember her name.

        Not only is that embarrassing, it's grounds for divorce or breakup. So now you have to grovel at her feet for the next five years, asking forgiveness, while saying, " Mary, I'll never forget your name again," to which she replies, "My name is Maggy you idiot!"  Ok, so much for forgiveness.

         I say you can lead a normal life even though your memory is not what it used to be. Just think of all the things you can legimately get away with when you have a bad memory - things like  your wife's birthday or your anniversary. Now you can truthfully say, "Honey, you know I have a bad memory," which you think will keep you out of the doghouse.  Sure, it's legitimate, but then so is  divorce. I don't recommend using this trick.

    Anyway, I could write a lot more about this subject, but I can't remember what I did with my notes. I can't even remember what I just said in this blog. Hmm, I think it's time for me to go and buy a present for my wife's birthday last year. 

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Sun, Feb 3rd - 3:53PM

Advice From Kids!
Kids can come up with some funny stuff if you sit down and talk to them. First thing you have to do is catch one. Now mind you, this is a six year old kid with a snotty nose, this morning's oatmeal stuck to his chin, and wearing a baseball hat 4 sizes bigger than his head. So I ask this kid, what kind of advice would you like to give to other kids your age so they don't get in trouble. Out of the mouth of babes is very true. So here's the advice from this little tadpole of six:

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are
doing taxes

Never bug a pregnant mom

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

Never try to baptize a cat.

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Stay away from prunes.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

So there you have it. As Art Linkletter use to say, "Kids say the Darndest Things." And in this case, the little rugrats have some great advice and very funny too.

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