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Mon, Oct 10th - 3:13PM

Life as I know it indeed

Husband has Aspergers, everyone knows this and some people are interested in how it affects our marriage and life, if you are one of those people then hereís a thing- if I say something pretty innocuous like ďoh look that couple across the road have painted their doorĒ

He will look at me with a weary look and say ďIt was me who told you about that painted door about a week agoĒ I look at him and reply ďI donít recall you telling me the people have painted their door, I have just noticed it now, does it matter who knew first? Am just remarking on a thing my two eye balls spotted!Ē

He stares at me as if I am mad, what would make me think he would let this go? He obviously told me about that painted door last week and to prove that he barks ďYou and Ashley were on the couch, you were wearing a towel on your head and Ashley was painting her toenails and I said to you both 'The people across the car park have painted their door' it was me who told you this, not you telling me about the door just now, as if I didnít know about it" I stared blankly at his commitment to this dull uneventful subject.

He then recreated the scene of him telling me about the painted door like a forensic scientist, painstakingly revealing each step of the situation where we were what we were doing when he told us about the painted amazing painted door. I am surprised he didnít have an overhead projector and slide show of evidence. He was staring at me with agog eyeballs at my forgetful stupidity- how can I not recall where I was when he was telling me important door painting information.†††

I now hate the painted door and resolve to say in future ďThatís right you did tell me about that painted door, why would I mention it as if you knew nothing about it, am nought but a fool?Ē

These tiny tics in his personality can drive me mad- that and his need to be the original source of any information I have gathered or recently stored in my brain makes me grabby for blunt instruments. The upside is I understand that it is Aspergers that makes him constantly fixate on some daft wee things, that arenít daft to him but annoying to us.

Having said that I think we all have a wee bit of Aspergers in our psyche, donít you?

I just hear the words Michael Jackson or Polanski and I am on twitter and facebook getting my dander right up and slightly foamy at the side of my mouth, repeating myself over and over again.

Then again why can we accept that Michael Jackson was an alleged child abuser, yet allowed to get some mates sperm inserted into white women so he can create white children for his own amusement? No social services get in the way? Makes me sick!

My other mildly Aspergers trait is counting steps onstage all across the country/globe and then trying to recall them at a momentís notice Ė Nottingham = 3 Glasgow = 2 etc...You get what I mean? Well, I have in my head the number of steps up to the main stage of almost every gig I have ever played worldwide. Thatís fucked isnít it? I donít think I have any right to talk about husband when I am clearly nuts myself!

I actually said out loud last night to husband ďDid you know there are fourteen steps up to the stage area at Brighton DomeĒ he looked at me and said ďIt was me that told you thatĒ

He hasnít been to Brighton Dome, I whipped my head round getting ready to throw this information into his face and he was already laughing at me with a cheeky wink.

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Sat, Oct 1st - 3:45PM

Stuff me and my daughter have learned

Things I have learned in my life- by Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie- below is a list of things my daughter Ashley and I compiled for your perusal, we have travelled around the world a bit and seen some stuff and shared some experiences and this is our list. Enjoy.

1.††††† Screaming at toddlers when they fall doesnít stop them crying or bleeding.

2.††††† Asking loud drunk people to be quiet on the train makes them want to hit you.

3.††††† Hugging rabbitís really tightly kills them.

4.††††† Telling a small girl about age four not to repeat the words Fucksake doesnít work, she will repeat those words and usually in front of the one begging nun that stands outside a shop.

5.††††† Hoping that the spot on your nose will disappear in time for a photo shoot.

6.††††† Assuming middle class people to be well behaved drunks at a comedy night (they are worse, that self centred sense of entitlement makes them horrible).

7.††††† You donít have to be white to be racist.

8.††††† False eyelashes rip your own eyelashes out, now you have two problems.

9.††††† Spot cream does kill spots and unfortunately all the skin surrounding the spot way after the spot has faded.

10.Sanitary towels are designed to fold over accidentally and then stick to your pubic hair and rip it out when you pull down your knickers, itís just in case you arenít in enough pain already.

11.Walter Matthau and Saddam Hussein is not the same person, never get them mixed up in the picture round of a pub quiz.

12.Crotch less pants are just damaged goods.

13.If you pronounce the word VAGINA with an ĎFí at the start instead of a ĎVí it makes it ten times funnier.

14.Standing on stage screaming about a woman that hurt you in a monotone voice doesnít make you a comedian, even if your drunk pals, told you it was Ďridonkilously greatí

15.Being Jewish/Muslim/Christian/Scientologist doesnít mean you are right.

16.Never have sex on your friends suede couch...just donít.

17.Screaming drunken football chants doesnít make random strangers like your team.

18.Buy hotel internet, its expensive, but then claim it didnít work and demand a refund- they canít prove otherwise.

19.Cough loudly and in a sick manner, sweat profusely and moan when on any form of transport to ensure solitary seats, donít overdo it or they think you have swine flu and donít let you travel.

20.When on a busy train platform talk to people and create an allegiance so that when crowd surges forward you as a group can get seats for each other.

21.Hide a childís favourite toy and pretend it went away and it wonít return till they eat cauliflower.

22.Always fart in the bank queue- no reason just do it.

23.If a man comes onto you and you donít want to hurt their feelings because you donít fancy them, tell them you are into fuzzy humping (dressing as animals and fucking) or tell them you like sex and pain on a daily basis. That usually works for me (Ashley Storrie).

24.If you hate cooking and people keep talking about recipes and a good idea for a quiche blurt out you canít have children and are barren now, to get them off the subject.

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