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Mon, Jun 18th - 3:00PM

A day of sore ears and twitter storms

You can guarantee a few things in my life, one is my ears will hurt and the other is I will get abused online.


So I woke up Saturday morning with the usual leaky sore itchy ears and spent the day dosed up with painkillers. There is nothing can be done about my ears, they keep being leaky and wet, and specialists don’t know what to do.


I went onto twitter and saw that Armando Iannucci the Scottish comedy writer had been given an OBE by The Queen (something am not really into) but anyway, he was taunted by Alistair Campbell (former press aide to Blair and who Iannucci based his character Malcolm Tucker on the TV show Thick of it) Campbell taunted Iannucci for accepting the ‘establishment’ and added those three little letters make a lot of difference to which Iannucci replied “WMD” referring to Campbell’s involvement in the illegal war over ‘weapons of mass destruction’ made me laugh my ass off.


Anyway I captured the hilarious online twitter spat and uploaded it to twitpic upon which many famous tweeters decided to reTweet and so my timeline went mental. You need to understand twitter to get that last paragraph, to think the words Re tweet weren’t even forming on our lips until at least 3 years ago now we say it daily. Or at least I do. So thanks to Peter Serinafowitz and Rob Delaney I have heaps of new people reading my tweets.


So, after I got swathes of new followers, I got some twitter people abuse me and call me fuckwit and gobshite etc and I embraced them. The thing about trolls (the name for anonymous people who abuse you on twitter) is that they like to think they can hurt from afar or at least from behind a screen.


It’s a bit like being at a huge super bowl crowd and someone sneaking up through the throngs of people and stabbing you in the groin with dirty needle on a long stick, watching your expression and running away before you can call them out.


I tend to block abusive people not because I am weak but I want to imagine I run back through the same crowd and gaffer tape their mouth and run back again to my own space.


The haters and trolls really take pleasure in hurting people as I have found out.


One troll who is related to a comic I know started writing to my daughter telling her she fantasised about my own childhood abuse...this shocked my daughter for a few moments then she laughed her head off as she imagined him with a long stick and a dirty needle...and then she felt sad he would want to hurt someone and begged me not to get angry at him.


I wasn’t angry- I was amazed nobody had said something like that before, as Ashley and I have both cracked very dark jokes about my past and we like to think that’s our way of coping. That poor bloke just pointed that out and I like to think of him as perceptive to a point, but then we blocked him as he did sound suicidal and that’s not my area.


Witnessing haters on other people really disturb me, for instance a wee chubby pre-teen boy uploaded a really cheesy video of him singing and dancing. Personally his parents should have stepped in and stopped him, thats my opinion.- maybe they were unaware he was uploading videos?


You see something that looks cute and cool to a 13yr old with no critical input can come back and bite you in the arse. Am glad YouTube wasn’t around when I was 13 as there would be a plethora of clips of me looking wistful singing weepy touching songs to photographs of Donny Osmond as I hang over damp rocks near the stream at my old home. (it was the 70s all music montages looked like that)


Anyway the wee chubby boy got millions of hits and thousands of hateful ‘kill yourself fatty’ responses. There is the flip side to this, maybe the wee boy enjoyed the attention and can cope with the haters after all Irish irritators Jedward taught us one thing, stupid people with no talent can make millions.


But I digress, I despise people being hurt by trolls online and yet, I will always strive never to have them charged by the police. Unless someone is psychically threatening my life I can cope with verbal abuse, I am a comedian, I fight for the right to say things onstage so therefore I have to accept the things people say to me offstage.


Follow me on twitter @janeygodley


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Sun, Jun 17th - 6:06AM

Am still here...

I had an extraordinary posting on my facebook wall from a relative of my husband, not only did they accuse me of organising a ‘hit’ on a brother in law with his own fathers money but they reminded me that I have a bucket mouth and change in toilets in pubs to go onstage.


A few things need corrected here, firstly I have no idea about the ‘hit’ and secondly (this irks me more) I don’t change to go onstage- do people from my past believe I wear a leotard onstage? If so, then I fucking don’t!


I can only imagine and am greedy for the knowledge of the many rumours I left behind when I walked out of that pub in 1994. What other fucked up juicy rumours can there be that I know nothing of? Did I kill my own mother? Did I eat my old dog? Have I fucked the pope? (The last one was a response to the graffiti that suggested most Glaswegians should fuck the pope) any my point is- am missing on the gossip.


Then another woman chipped in that she heard someone else had lived the life I wrote about in my autobiography Handstands in the Dark and I copied it. Well, I suppose there was more than one poor wee working class girl who had an Orange walk flute playing rapey uncle, but I defy anyone to have owned a dog like Major or had a mum who was murdered in the exact same fashion or had a brother who thought he was Bryan Ferry for two whole weeks in 1976.


But I suppose there will always be people who say I lied or I copied or I try to get people killed etc.


That’s life I  – stranger things happen I suppose, like that wee taxi man in Banbury who asked me if my husband ‘minded’ that I was a comedian and I told that driver my husband died in a house fire. The taxi man was so distraught then I explained it was me who started the fire, then I laughed and explained it was a joke, then he asked me if thats the kind of comedy I do, if so it’s ‘not really funny’. That’s the strange things that happen to me.


Meanwhile back in reality- the summer has fucked off, Glasgow is wet and windy, apparently we had great sunny days when Ashley and I were in NZ so that’s our summer over then I take it?


Back to Edinburgh tonight for a lovely wee gig at The Shack.


Follow me on twitter @janeygodley

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Sat, Jun 16th - 4:27PM

My blog is my way of speaking

I have neglected my blog, after years of consistency and years of cataloguing every dull event in my life, along came twitter and our podcast and bang went the blog.


Well, it’s back, I love being able to look back and see what I was doing in 2004 on a rainy Wednesday- wouldn’t you? Fuck yea!


Am 51 years old and a stand up comic, women my age (according to some folk) shouldn’t be standing in a night club swinging their fat ass to some music as they wait to go onstage and do their comedy thing- but I do and I love it.


The down side to being 51 is am starting to witness more friends and family slowly get illness’s and die, that didn’t happen as much in my 30s and it is worrying me now. This age thing, I know my dad won’t last forever- but I am not ready to face that shit yet.


The upside is I get to travel and see pals across the world in my job. My recent trip to London to see Monica was cracking fun not only did I get to enjoy her amazing flat (as a single woman she has a bathroom akin to a spa- with all the latest products and fluffy towels in huge supply) but she is just such a good pal to enjoy life with. You know those pals who you can sit down and basically debate every single issue, secretion, sexual feeling, depressive swing, financial stomach lurch and crushed dreams with? That’s her!


She has acquired a goldfish by default and my job was to keep it alive in London when she hopped off to Scotland for the weekend. I haven’t felt that responsible since Ashley was a baby! It’s quite an aggressive fish and plops up through the surface when you go to feed it and licks your hand. That’s scary and I did manage to keep it alive.


I will tell you what else is scary, a homeless man with care bears tied randomly to his legs, I keep having nightmares about this, I saw it in los Angeles a few years ago and keep thinking the dirty ripped bondage bears represent children he will kill. Anyway, that’s what this blog is about, being distracted half way through a sentence.


Comedy is going through a tough time- clubs are closing and the Euro football and Olympics can fuck up with comedy events, but we all keep going. The recent boom on TV for comedy has a knock on effect as well, with public just wanting to go see people who have been on telly, doesn’t matter if they are good, bad or indifferent as long as they are famous they are worth buying a ticket for! This will affect the Edinburgh Fringe this year as well, which I decided not to do this year.


If the buying public want to go see people they love off the telly, they can go fill their boots, but please go see some people you haven’t seen before.  It’s what keeps comedy alive.


Life in Glasgow is ticking by fine. I have a great wee pal up here who is my best buddy called Shirley, we were introduced through someone else and to be honest I wasn’t really interested in new pals. The day I called her was the day I found out my comedy pal Jason Wood had died suddenly and she was just so lovely on the phone and so practical and understanding I forget how I ever managed without her in my life. I am blessed with good pals.


This week was great fun as me and Ashley did our 100th podcast and you can get it here


So here we are bringing the blog back up to speed after a big hiatus and me being a lazy bastard – welcome back.


You can follow me on twitter as @janeygodley


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